Sunday, July 28, 2013

The Sum of My Life Thus Far

The great thing about aging is that you can be unpacking boxes in your office and discover a picture like the one above and have a belly laugh like you've never had before. You're having one right now as you type this. The reason why you can have such a deep, painful, tear-invoking laugh, is because though you may be her, you are now so far from her, it's like she's a different person. You can like her. You like her so much, it hurts, like a 24 year-old you've just met - she's sweet, but so young she barely exists. Look at her. Look at her hair! She is trying so hard. She is so full of hope. She is thinking 'Maybe if I accept the job to be on the front of the Yellow Pages it will help my acting career because people will sort of know me, without knowing exactly how they know me. Instead of being just another fresh awkward face in auditions, they'll usher me straight through - yes, yes, we know her, we know her. People won't really pay attention to it or anything. It could be a good career move.' And she will do the shoot and they will put a ring on her so she looks sort of serious/married-like and she will borrow a shirt from a friend because she doesn't own one. Look at her - trying and hoping so hard. Look at her in the rainy phone booth in Tasmania, being graffed like fury as some guy orders drugs, before her boyfriend uses the phone and carefully tears her off, bringing her back to Melbourne, for a different kind of laughter, one with a more strained edge. Am I a dick? 

Yes you are, child. You are. You are the village idiot, and it's fine. Don't worry - one day you will look back and think it's ok that you're such a dick and that you made such a choice. You may even like that you did such a thing such as put your face on the cover of the Yellow Pages. You may think - God, that's so me, and maybe for once that will be ok. 

And you will always, always, appreciate that the doodler put a scar on your hand and did the chains and the ill-constructed hairy dick coming out your head. Imagine how many doodlers out there you inspired. How many people stabbed your eyes out or gave you a pig nose or blacked out teeth or crossed eyes. So much joy for so many people - you of all people can appreciate that, you still wet your pants over a good shit doodle.

And if you were to die tomorrow, no need for a eulogy, just hold this up. Yes, it is the sum of your life thus far, and that is ok. Perhaps there will be another photo between now and then to replace this one, but for now, this is it, and that is fine. Enjoy it. Blu-tak her to the wall of the office and when in doubt, turn and refer to her - ask - she will always answer.    

1 comment:

  1. The sum of your life thus far would be too many words to fit anywhere. The sum of your life thus far is uncalculatable.