Thanks Blah - you're right - Kiki is way not Lloyd any more - more like Rapunzel since my last post.
But rather than write all the boring reasons why I haven't written and all the boring contemplations over time use and wastage, I shall write a short thing about something else.
Yesterday was 10:10 on the 10th - our 9th celebration of it. Of course it's not a celebration, it's a remembering of the moment mum was forever still. Next year will the 10th year of 10:10 on the 10th - and this morning I was wondering - imagine if all the 10s lined up and became so powerful that mum would just be back again. Poof! God that would be good. I wonder what I would say to her. I'd probably just hug her and go on with life, with her in it. Even if I could just see her that would be great. I miss her voice and the feel of her, but if I had to choose I'd probably just like to see her face again, her lovely lovely face and body. And just see her smile.
I always try to do something at 10:10 on the 10th - usually light a candle and say something into the candle with Mr Rabbit. Last night there were so many words to say that I said absolutely nothing for a very long time. Also anything I thought of saying sounded so small and ridiculous. Mainly petulant things like It's Not Fair. It's Not Fair is utterly ridiculous and pointless and stupid. Or She Would Have Loved Kiki - all that. It's bigger than that. The words sound so cheap.
I did end up saying a few things. I pretended she was in the light and I spoke to her a bit. I bit my lip hard to stop the pointless selfish tears. Then I blew out the candle and we sat there for a second and then went back to our computers.