Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Recipes for Disaster

I might like to write a cookbook. It will be called Recipes for Disaster. In it I will take recipes from say, Jamie Oliver, and couple the recipes from other recipes for the same thing which I’ve googled and printed out, coupled with my own input on what I think should go in the dish, plus what I feel like eating that night, which is often peanut butter. You’d be amazed how many dishes you can think would do well with some peanut butter in them. I’m sure I once made a recipe with peanut butter and it came out good. I’m always chasing that peanut butter dish.
Recipes for Disaster by EB Rabbit would recommend that you always cook on an empty stomach. And that your dishwasher is always half-unpacked and a few head-height cupboards open at dangerous right-angles. You need to be a terrible chopper who nobody can bare to watch cutting onions. Wine would be suggested and a slight drunken head, to exacerbate levels of creativity. Creativity is the key to all Recipes for Disaster – you must always think that you know better than the recipe and never EVER follow any of the prescribed steps – improvise – what ARE you - a bit more sugar here, a few less eggs there… see what happens you pussy, dare to step over the edge - yeahh. It’s exciting!
Creativity, indeed, is the essential ingredient when it comes to Recipes for Disaster. You must never be quite aware of what will come out of the oven – it’s your creation, your baby, never seen before. Anything goes – be free – feel wild - you’re an untapped kitchen genius about to uncover the winning fact that peanut butter goes in everything and everyone will love you because you discovered it and you’ll be flown around the world to sit po-faced in posh restaurants and say FUCKEN WHERE’S MY SPATCHCOCK at Michelin star chefs in steely kitchens and do great middle-distance stares as you spoon bisque into your gob on some cooking show.  
You must lose yourself utterly in the joy of cooking. Ego is important – never surrender to the idea of order, humility towards vegetables, care. Instead dump in masses of folly. Twenty cups of hubris. Twelve pounds of abandon. And absolute lack of certainty to taste.
Eh – voilà!
Deep Fried Disappointment with a Whine Jus.
Magnifique!
All dishes in EB Rabbit’s Recipes for Disaster will guarantee feelings of utter dissatisfaction, deep regret and a definite resolution that the Other will forever do the cooking. A-ha...clever recipe.

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