Today we’re off to Paris, from Melbourne, which is a very, very long flight. It’s such a long flight that the only thing to do is abandon all hope that you’ll ever arrive. And then it’s quite fun. You can actually disappear yourself and become tetris in that time, immerse yourself in the feeling of being a t-block, a square, a right-angle in little sockettes with earplugs on, listening to Tom Waits lull you into mad land.
It’s actually quite fun and now I rather relish the occasion to completely cop out of life.
There’s absolutely nothing you can do. You’re stuck. You’re in la taule - the hole, with nothing but a tiny, rancid toilet and darkness all around. It’s a strict prison and if you move around too much, they’ll get you. It’s great, I think being on a long-haul flight appeals to my prison fantasy – no responsibility to be anyone, do anything, just think and absorb and sleep and occasionally perform acrobatics to get over the person next to you and squeeze down the aisle.
The taste of scotch – orgasmic, the taste of a piece of naf cheese – delightful, little bottles of wine and tiny toothbrushes – genius! Ideas come, suddenly you could be anyone you want to be, you could design handbags. You’re nowhere – not in Australia, not in France, not in Beijing, you’re in Plane, and that is its own territory, with its own rules. I can imagine where Ralph Fiennes was coming from when he nailed that hostess in the can, it’s as though time and the real world doesn’t exist up here – it’s not quite real. It’s not a land, a country, a home, an actual place. You’re in the clouds. But not in heaven. You can see it out there, old friends waving to you as you go by, but you’re not in it. You’re nowhere. So you might as well get your rocks off.
I’ve never done anyone on a plane, but I suppose I can imagine it being fun – well actually, I say that to sound cool but actually I can’t at all, I find the plane mega un-horny - I find it hard to even put my socky feet directly on the carpet.
Oops – I’m gone!
ps - funniest plane line of all time:
Air Hostess: Can I get you a drink sir?
Chevy Chase: Sure, I'll have a coke thanks.
Air Hostess: Would you like that in the can sir?
Chevy Chase (looking around): Err, no thanks, I'll have it right here.